


Undone by Touch

by YukiRiikus_Reading_Room



Series: I Did it for You, Dean [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Gabriel, Rape Aftermath, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-16
Updated: 2013-04-20
Packaged: 2017-12-05 12:07:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/723125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YukiRiikus_Reading_Room/pseuds/YukiRiikus_Reading_Room
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After following through on his end of a deal with Crowley to save Dean's life, Castiel doesn't feel pure anymore.  Can he ever swallow the reality of what he agreed to - and will it ever feel right again when Dean tries to touch him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No Where Else to Go

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the much requested (on here and on my Tumblr) sequel to 'Sealed with a Kiss'. There's a time jump -- that would have been a WALL OF SMUT otherwise lol -- but it essentially takes place several hours after the first story ended. 
> 
> This is just the first chapter, so expect more to come! (Probably quickly too, since I'm on a break right now)

Castiel could feel the last few threads of his sanity threatening to break.  The only thing that kept him going as Crowley touched, tasted, and penetrated him over and over again was the knowledge that Dean would be okay now, that what he’d been forced to agree to would mean something. 

As Crowley molding his limbs and lower half into yet another ridiculous and complicated position the angel hissed, struggling and failing to keep the metal of the handcuffs from biting deeper into his already raw and bleeding wrists.  The demon didn’t seem to care, resting one of Castiel’s ankles on his shoulder as he thrust inside all at once.  Castiel screamed, unable to stop the tears from falling as Crowley picked up a rhythm that jerked him around in his handcuffs, every thrust relieving the tension only to create it again when the demon pulled him closer and dove back into him. 

Castiel tried to make himself go limp, hoping that would make it easier, but in the back of his mind he knew nothing would work.  After the first go, Crowley had demanded more and more unconventional things, laughing every time Cas cried or worse, whimpered in pleasure.  But that had been hours ago, long before the pain set in, before his body and mind started to feel the abuse and the sheer filth of what was happening to him.  Since then he’d been shifted from one position to the next, Crowley grunting over him as he worked himself in Castiel’s body, nails and teeth leaving marks he knew he’d carry with him for eons after his grace healed his vessel. 

Pulling out of him Crowley grasped his dick, jerking himself to completion spraying all over Castiel’s wings. 

He knew he should have seen that coming, but the sheer wrongness of it shook him to his core.  It had been bad enough that Crowley had touched his wings, pulled on his flight feathers, twisted them by the handful just to make him scream, but this…

He could remember a few days before Dean truly started to feel and look sick when they’d returned home to their motel room after a particularly grueling case.  Dean had asked him to bring out his wings, and trusting him completely Cas had done so.  It was the first time he’d let anyone, human or angel, touch his wings – and as Dean’s fingers had carded gently through them, careful and tender, Castiel had felt a swell of love in his heart that physically ached him.  How could he not love this Righteous Man, this human who would give up everything at the chance to take care of his brother and make sure that one day Sam could have the normal life he’d always dreamed of, that did whatever it took to keep millions of strangers sake without asking anything in return?  How could he not love Dean, exhausted and dirty after a long battle, sweetly massaging his wings to ease Castiel’s tiredness without thinking anything of his own comfort? 

When he’d sat up and taken Dean’s hands, he told him how much he loved him for the first time, and Dean had said it back.

But now, as Crowley forced his semen deeper into his feathers, matting them together, even his happiest memories with Dean weren’t enough to stop him from shaking.

“You’ve done well, angel whore.”    Crowley whispered as he leaned over Castiel, the angel turning his head away as the demon licked the side of his face.  As he pulled back, Cas felt the handcuffs open but didn’t dare move for fear it was a trick.  Crawling off the bed, Crowley snapped himself clean and dressed.  “Your deal’s been paid for, it’s dawn.  You can go.”

Shaking, Castiel flashed out of Hell so fast he didn’t even notice he was still wearing Crowley’s collar.

 

******

 

“So I said to him, you’re not even a real Reaper.  And guess what, I was right!”  Gabriel said emphatically, his party guests laughing at the end of his joke.  He was just about to start into another joke when he heard something from his guest bedroom, turning to look in confusion at his guests, all of whom were in the room with him.  “Entertain yourselves a minute, okay everyone?  Just remember, no murdering any of my other guests, that’s just bad taste.”

As he hurried down the hall towards the source of the noise, he materialized his sword, just in case.  Not many people knew where he lived – and even fewer could have materialized in his home without an express invitation. 

When he opened the door, at first he didn’t see anything.  Striding into the room sword held high he flipped on the light switch, his heart jumping into his throat at what he found there.

Castiel lay shaking on the floor beside the bed, his wings and a myriad of dark bruises the only things covering his body as Gabriel dropped to his knees beside him.  He bristled instantly when he saw the matting in the black wings he knew so well, his jaw clenching as he saw the collar still fastened around the other angel’s neck. 

“I didn’t know where else to go.”  Castiel whimpered, his voice soft and raw.  Gabriel shushed him, worry rolling off him in waves. 

“I’m glad you did little brother.”  Gabriel said softly, carefully running a hand through Castiel’s hair.  The battered angel jumped when he was touched, quieting slightly at his brother’s voice.  “Hey, it’s going to be okay, I’ve got you now.  I’ll protect you, alright?  Nothing can hurt you while you’re here.”

“Thank you.”  Cas said, smiling almost imperceptibly up at the other angel.  Pressing his face back into the carpet, he fell instantly asleep, the night’s effects finally exacting their toll. 

Unable to even think about leaving his brother’s side, Gabriel snapped his fingers, the eerie silence that followed the only sign that his part guests had been whisked away.  Carefully, Gabriel shifted one of Castiel’s wings out of the way, tears springing up in his eyes as he got a good look at what had been done to him.

“How did this happen?”  Gabe whispered, wincing as he reached up to take the collar off his brother’s neck.  As soon as it was off he snapped it away, never wanting to see it again.

Later he would call the Winchesters to find out, but first he needed to take care of his brother.


	2. On the Mend

Sam sighed, rolling his eyes as Dean crawled out of bed and started pacing for what must have been the fiftieth time since they’d gotten back to the motel after he was released from the hospital.  Try as he might to make Dean take it easy and rest, between his miraculous – and suspicious – full recovery and his worry over Castiel’s ominous disappearance after checking up on him, he knew there was no way he was going to be able to convince Dean to stay still for more than a few minutes at a time.  He just hoped the angel came back soon so his brother would calm down and he could stop going cross eyed watching Dean pace the width of their room over and over again. 

“You think he’s okay wherever he went, right?  I mean, you don’t think he did something stupid do you?”  Dean asked, his brother saying nothing.  When he looked up and their eyes locked, each found their own bleak hopelessness reflected back at them.  The sheer desperation and worried guilt between them filled the room making it feel suddenly suffocating.  Sam reached behind him and cracked the window, glad for the cool breeze and an excuse it gave him to look away from the crippling agony written in the lines of his older brother’s face. 

It was clear to both of them that they were thinking the same thing, but that neither of them wanted to be the one to suggest it.  The silence stretched between them as Dean paced.  Finally, unable to take it anymore, he turned back to Sam looking desperate.

“He made a deal to save me, didn’t he?”  His voice was calm, but his eyes flamed at his words with righteous indignation at the mere mention of Cas doing something so risky just to save him.  “He must have, right?” 

“That’s what I’m thinking, yeah.  It’s impossible to say though, at least until he gets back and can tell us what he did.”  Sam sighed again, swallowing back the lump that rose in his throat as Dean flopped face first onto the bed looking defeated.  If there was one thing he hated more than anything else in the world, it was watching his brother beat himself up over things outside of his control – he’d done the same thing for weeks after their Dad sacrificed himself to save him. 

“Damn it!  Why do you people keep doing this?”  Dean shouted into the bedspread, refusing to lift his head to look at his brother.  “I’m a pretty shitty human being when it really comes down to it.  Why do people seem to think I’m worth sacrificing themselves to save?”

“Don’t sit there and expect me to tell you you’re not worth it, because I won’t say that.”  Sam said angrily, Dean lifting his head to look at him.  Sam’s jaw was clenched, but the tears in his eyes undercut his anger with concern.  “When you were dragged into the pit, I tried to make deals to get you out.  You’re important to me and to other people whether you like it or not.  Can you just think about all the times someone has overcome possession rather than kill you?  I did it, Dad did it, so did Bobby and Cas.  We care about you Dean, just get used to it.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m worth saving.”  Dean said shortly, sitting up.  Sighing he ran a hand through his hair, not looking at his little brother as he resumed speaking.  “Plenty of people have died around us that deserves saved more than I did Sammy.  We lost Ash, Ellen, and Jo.  No one lined up to save them when they needed it, and believe me, they were better people than I’ll ever be.”

“Yeah, they didn’t deserve to die, none of them did.  But we can’t save everyone, or bring everyone back.  Eventually even our luck is going to run out and then we’ll have to die and stay dead.  But until our luck runs out, you’re my brother, and family comes first.  If the opportunity arises to save your ass another time, I’d take it.  You’d do the same for me, wouldn’t you?”  Sam asked, smiling gently when need nodding without hesitation.  “Look, what’s done is done.  Besides, Cas is an angel.  Maybe he found another way to save you without having to make a deal.”

“What else could it have been though?  He said he doesn’t have his angel healing mojo back yet, and I really doubt anyone else in the heavenly host jumped at the chance to save my ass when I won’t go through with their plans for me to stick a sword in you.”  Dean sighed, rubbing at the worry lines on his forehead.  Suddenly he stilled, looking up at Sammy with terrified eyes.  “If he made a deal… what would a demon want with an angel?”

“I have no idea.  But he said he’ll be back soon.  Let’s just wait for him to explain instead of killing ourselves with worry and speculation.”  Sam suggested, biting his lip when Dean went pale.  “I’m sure Cas is fine, Dean.”

“You know how he is though.”  Dean said, his voice shaking slightly.  Looking away he closed his eyes, his throat closing up as he fought back the tears he didn’t want to shed in front of Sam.  “He rebelled against Heaven for me Sammy.  I doubt there’s anything he wouldn’t do when it comes to saving me.”

“Of course there isn’t.  He loves you.” 

Before Dean could answer, his cell phone rang from the bedside table.  Scrambling for it  he flipped it open with shaking hands.

“Hello?  Cas, is that you?”

_“No, I’m afraid not.”_

“Gabriel?”  Dean looked up at Sam, who raised his eyebrow and moved over to sit on Dean’s bed so he could listen in.  “Don’t you usually call Sammy?”

_“Typically I’d rather talk to the moose, yes, but under the circumstances I figured it might be better to call you for a change.”_

“What circumstances?”  Dean asked, his stomach flipping over nervously.  The usually humor was gone from Gabriel’s voice making his blood run cold.  Whatever he was calling about, it had to be something bad if even the Trickster was sounding serious about it.  “What are you talking about?”

 _“A few hours ago my little brother poofed into my apartment looking like he’d been to Hell and back with the burned feathers to prove it.”_   Dean nearly dropped the phone as he lurched forward, Sam gripping his shoulder to steady him as he swayed.  _“He didn’t say much about where he’d been before he passed out, but it wasn’t hard to guess.  I don’t know many people who could do this much damage to an angel, and even less people who can get the drop on Cas.  That being said, I assumed that meant he let this happen for some reason.”_

“Damn it, that bastard.  I told him not to do anything stupid.”  Dean cursed, his free hand balling into a fist as he stared at the ceiling light above him to stop his tears from flooding out.  “We think he made a deal to save me.  Found out I had cancer a few weeks ago, but by the time we caught it, the doctor’s said there was nothing short of a miracle that could keep me alive.”

_“Yeah, that sounds like Cas, the little shit.  He would think to make a deal over asking me to help fix you.  Seriously though, why didn’t anyone think to call me?  I would have helped!”_

“Last time we asked you for anything, you trapped us in TV Land.  Remember that?  It wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience.”  Dean said coldly.  Internally he was kicking himself though – why hadn’t they thought to talk to Gabriel?  Why hadn’t Cas? 

_“That was before we were on the same side in all this cosmic bullshit.  And, before I got a crush on your woodland creature of a brother for that matter.  If Sammy would have called me, I would have fixed you, especially if it meant he’d agree to go on a date with me.”_

Rolling his eyes Sam took the phone before Dean could let out whatever scathing remark he was thinking.

“What we did or didn’t do isn’t important right now – Cas is.”  Sam snapped, Gabriel calming almost instantly on the other end of the line.  “We should have thought to ask you, but we didn’t.  Surely you can understand us overlooking an obvious answer in this situation – we were all a little panicked and not thinking clearly.  That being said, bickering won’t make it better.”

_“You’re right Sammich, I’m sorry.  But… try to understand how I feel here at least.  My little brother showed up beaten half to death and bleeding on my carpet.  How am I supposed to react to that?  How would you react if you found Dean like that and could have prevented that if someone had just thought to consult you?”_

“I understand you’re just being a concerned brother Gabe, I really do.  But right now, Cas is what’s important, right?”  Sam said in a low voice.  Beside him Dean got up and started pacing again, nervously wringing his hands.  “We care about him too.  We just want to know what happened to him, and if there’s anything we can do it help.”

_“I wish I knew what happened.  All I can do as guess from how he looked when he showed up, and believe me, it’s not a pretty picture.  That’s why I was calling you two, to see if you knew why this happened and who might have hurt him this badly.”_

“Well, now you know the why at least.  I don’t know anything else though, and neither does Dean. We were both shocked when the doctor told us the cancer had disappeared entirely, and when Cas showed up a few minutes later, we both knew he must have done something to fix it but didn’t know what.”  Sam sighed.  “You must have some idea what happened to him though, right?” 

_“Some, I’ve certainly been around the block long enough to be able to guess with some degree of accuracy.  Still, I’d rather not say until we hear it directly from the horse’s mouth you know?  I…”_

“Gabe?”  Sam waited, trying to hide the panic he felt mounting the longer Gabriel stayed silent.  In the background he could hear some sort of ruckus, seconds later the phone crackling with the unmistakable sound of running feet.  “What’s wrong, what’s going on?” 

_“I have to go.  I’ll call you back as soon as I can, I promise.”_

Just before the phone cut out, Sam heard clearly for the first time what was causing the Trickster such panic.  As he set the phone down and turned to tell Dean what he’d heard, Sammy knew he’d be hearing Castiel’s blood curdling screams in his nightmares in the nights to come. 

 

******

 

By the time Gabriel got to him Castiel’s ravaged back was pressed into the ceiling, body twisted up in his bandages and the sheet, his wings flapping crazily to keep him airborne.  His little brother’s eyes were tight shut, the veins in his neck straining as he threw his head back and arches his back, his whole body rigid and trembling.  Gabriel fought back tears as he released his own wings, unsure exactly what he was supposed to do in his situation.

He’d never seen an angel have a nightmare before, especially not like this.

Fluttering up to the ceiling, he hovered just out of range of Cas’s heavily beating wings and took his brother’s face in between his hands.  Instantly Cas started to thrash, his screams heightening in volume.

“Cas, it’s me, it’s just Gabriel.”  He tried desperately, aware that his own hands were shaking against the other angel’s hot and clammy skin.  He’d never seen anything like this before and was at a loss about who he could even go to for help in this situation.  More worrisome than the nightmares were the bruises still showing up on his brother’s skin – his naturally healing abilities hadn’t yet kicked which was unusual.  Giving up trying to wake him, Gabe closed his eyes and tried to block out the screams long enough to concentrate his own healing energy to fix his brother’s cuts and bruises.  When he opened his eyes again, he dropped back down to the bed at a loss: they hadn’t changed one bit.  Clearly something supernatural had been the cause, and something devilishly powerful at that.

“Fuck… you dealt with Crowley didn’t you?”  Gabe muttered to himself as he watched his brother trash against the ceiling, bits of plaster raining down on him every time Cas collided with the ceiling knocking them loose.  “You know he’s one of the only things powerful enough to leave a mark on us.  Why would you go to him before you’d ask me for help you moron?”

Cas kept thrashing, Gabriel looking down at the floor as his tears started to fall.  He knew he needed to wake the other angel before he did even more damage to himself, but with his brother being apparently nonresponsive to his own calls, he wasn’t sure what else he could do.  Finally, praying for the first time in centuries to a father he wasn’t sure cared about either of them anymore, Gabe transported himself out of his house to find the only person he knew for sure Cas still had complete faith in.

 

******

 

“Shit!”  Dean cursed, shocked into falling backwards as Gabe appeared next to him in their motel room looking ruffled.

“What’s wrong?  Is it Cas?”  Sam asked at once, jumping up from where he’d been lying across his bed.  Gabe nodded but didn’t speak, reaching out to grasp both of their shoulders and transport them back to the room where he’d left his brother.  “Jesus Christ…”

“Cas…”  Dean whispered helplessly, watching in horror as Cas backed himself into a corner of the ceiling.  His cries quieted to pained whimpers, Gabriel wincing as his brother started to choke out the words ‘stop’ and ‘please’ helplessly.

“He didn’t respond to my voice when I tried to wake him.  We need to get him down from there before he really hurts himself.” Gabe said desperately, letting go of Sam to rest his hands on both of Dean’s shoulders.  “I think he might respond to you though.  My oddball little brother really loves you.  He did this to himself for you, after all.”

“You don’t need to remind me, I feel guilty enough as it is.”  Dean snapped, pulling away from the archangel to move to the corner and stand under his writhing, beautiful angel.  Swallowing he looked back at Sam briefly for courage before fixing his eyes on Cas.  “Castiel, can you hear me?  It’s Dean.  You need to wake up.”

Cas let out another pained whimper, but his wings slowed ever so slightly, his body lowering a few inches.  Gabriel sighed with relief, Sam immediately turning to pull him into his arms when the archangel started to crumble sideways into him. 

“Castiel, you’re having a nightmare.  You need to wake up before you hurt yourself anymore than you already are.  We’re here for you when you wake up, to help you through it.”  Dean tried, half smiling to himself as Cas quieted slightly and dropped a few feet towards him.  Now he hovered just out of reach, Dean swallowing as the sheet loosened enough for him to see the patchwork of bite marks and bruises covering his usually pale and perfect skin.  “I’m here for you, Cas.  I always will be.” 

Cas dropped the rest of the way down, falling lightly into the Dean’s arms as they shot up to catch him.  The angel blinked against his chest, his eyes red and watery at they peered up at the hunter carrying him back to his bed.  He opened his mouth to speak, but Dean shoot his head to silence him as he sat down on the edge of the bed still holding him tightly against his body. 

“Look, I know there’s a lot of things we really need to discuss.  Telling me exactly what it cost you to save my life, not to mention how much I love you and will never live up to the sacrifices you’ve made for me are definitely high up on that list.”  Dean said, taking a deep steadying breath as he ran a hand gently through his angel’s hair.  Cas leaned back into his touch, Dean’s heart shattering as he looked back up at him like he was the most precious thing in the entire world.  “But for now… you just need to rest and get better, alright?  You need to get some sleep so your body can recover.”

“Will… will you be here when I wake up?”  Cas asked in a quiet voice, Dean watching out of the corner of his eye as Sam and Gabriel slipped out of the room shutting the door quietly behind them. 

“Of course I’ll be here.  I’m not going anywhere until you’re back to normal.  I’ll even stay and hold you while you sleep if that’s what you want, okay?”  Dean asked, smiling softly when relief flooded Cas’s face.  Lying him back in the bed, the hunter slipped under the blankets next to him, smiling sadly when the angel immediately curled into his side and clung to him for dear life.  “Don’t worry Cas, I’m not going to let you go.” 


	3. Broken Wings

As Dean watched Castiel sleep, he couldn’t quite shake the feeling of dread that had been pooling in his stomach since the angel had left them so abruptly back at the hospital when they found out he’d been cleared.  It had been suspicious right from the beginning, but the longer Cas had strayed away and ignored Dean’s prayers for him to come back, to come home, the more nervous he’d become.  He’d tried his best to keep his panic under wraps for Sammy’s sake – he’d failed miserably, he knew that – but even now with his angel slumbering against his chest he still felt lost.  There was just something about the way that Castiel had looked at him that felt wrong.

For some reason, it felt like he hadn’t gotten Cas back yet, not really.

The angel shifted against him breaking Dean out of his thoughts, a weak smile slipping onto his face when he saw those blues eyes he loved so much open to stare up at him tiredly.  On a whim he opened his mouth to speak, but found nothing to say.  Sighing he kissed Castiel’s forehead, trying to ignore the worried look in the angel’s eyes as he pulled back.

“Good morning Sleeping Beauty.”  Dean said, trying to keep his voice level.  He knew he was being ridiculous – he had Cas back, right here in his arms.  Whatever he was feeling was just nerves at seeing him hurt, he knew that.  Part of him worried he just felt wrong because he’s always thought Cas was impenetrable, that he didn’t need to worry about Castiel’s safety.  Maybe he was just shaken, he reasoned with himself, because he felt like he’d almost lost his angel.  “Are you feeling any better now that you’ve slept a little?” 

“Not really.  I’m less tired, but I feel worse than ever.”  Cas said softly, his voice so rough Dean had trouble understanding him.  He was used to Cas’s sandpaper voice, but this… he sounded absolutely wrecked.  Dean wanted to ask why, but figured it would be better to wait.  After all, when Sammy had come to check in on them a few hours ago, he warned Dean that Castiel might not be ready to talk about whatever had happened to him right away.  “Was Gabriel using me as a punching bag while I was out perchance?”

“Not since I showed up, no.”  Dean said gently, a small smile breaking out across his face.  Cas’s eyes lit up briefly, his own face content to see his companion smile.  It astounded him to no end that his angel could find humor in this situation, something he’d been doing more and more frequently the longer he spent with the Winchesters.  On their last hunt, Sam had been in stitches when Cas had made some comment about silver bells and the werewolf they’d been hunting through a warehouse full of Christmas decorations.  Cas had smiled and shrugged it off saying he’d learned how to joke from Dean.  He’d felt proud then.  Now… “You had a nightmare and started throwing yourself around.  Like, into the ceiling.”

“Oh,” was all he said, his eyes darting down and away from the curious green ones staring intently at him.

“We decided while you were out not to ask about what happened.”  Dean said softly, swallowing at the perplexed look Castiel shot him.

“We?” 

“Me, Sammy, and Gabriel.”  Dean sighed, absently running a hand through his hair.  “We thought… well, we figured you’ll tell us what happened when you’re ready.  In the meantime we’re here to help you through it as best we can until you’re better again.”

“You don’t want to know?”  Cas asked, his voice shaking.  Dean swallowed, unsure the best way to respond.  If he was being honest, he really didn’t want to know.  He knew enough – that he was the reason the person he loved most in the world was lying broken in his arms.  Selfish as it may be, he wasn’t sure he could live with the guilt of knowing exactly what Cas had gone through to save him.

At the same time, he knew he needed to know.  He owed it to Cas, no matter how much it killed him inside, to listen.  All that mattered was that Cas needed him, and Dean would do anything to be there for him as best he could.

“It’s not my decision.  You can choose if and when to tell us, or anyone else.”  Dean said tenderly, brushing the angel’s hair back off his forehead.  “You’ve been through a lot, and you’re hurting.  Right now, that’s all we need to know.  We’re going to take care of you baby, so whenever you’re ready to tell us you can.”

“Alright.  Thank you, for being here for me.  It really means a lot to me Dean.”  Castiel snuggled further into Dean’s side, burying his face into his neck.  “You know I love you, right?”

“Yeah, I know featherhead.  I love you too.”  Dean smiled.  He could feel the angel’s grin pressed into his shoulder, the subtle way he shifted closer.  It was hard, he had to admit, to stay worried when he could feel Cas’s heartbeat strong and resilient so close to his own, when he knew his angel was happy at least for that moment.  Reaching out a hand he made to smooth down some wayward feathers in his angel’s wings, just like he had when he’d groomed them not long before he’d gotten sick.

As soon as his fingers touched wing, Castiel stiffened, his whole body going rigid.  Jerking his hand back Dean looked down, swallowing against the lump in his throat at the tears already springing up in the angel’s eyes.

“Oh God, did I hurt you?”  Dean asked quickly, tripping over his words.  Cas shook his head, burying his face deeper into the hunter’s neck.  His hand was still tensed awkwardly in the air, hovering over the angel’s trembling wings.  He didn’t need to see his face to know his angel was shaken.  Castiel started to shake, small tremors that shot through his whole body as Dean felt tears collecting in his shirt and clinging to his skin.  As Castiel gave a particularly hard sob, his wings jerked upward, colliding with the hunter’s still outstretched hand. 

Castiel immediately ripped himself away, half stumbling as he scrambled across the mattress.  Dean watched with growing panic as Cas curled inwards around himself, his wings wrapping protectively around his body. 

“I didn’t mean to… Cas I’m so sorry.  What’s wrong?  What can I do to make it better?”  Dean asked, getting up on his knees.  Immediately Cas started to cry harder, his wings tightening around him as he shrank farther away.  Dean froze, his hands shaking where they hung in the air reaching for the angel.  He dropped them, swallowing against the tears he felt pooling behind his eyes.  He crawled off the bed, hoping that by backing of the angel might calm down enough to tell him what was wrong.  He stood by the end, watching Castiel’s trembling start to lesson and his wings shift.  It wasn’t until he started to calm down that he noticed something odd about his angel’s wings.  “Cas, what’s wrong with your wings?  They look a little matted in some places.  Is that why you jerked?  Did you get something stuck in them?” 

Cas went deadly still, his face disappearing behind his wings.  Dean felt the overwhelming urge to reach for him but didn’t move, too afraid he’d cause another outburst of tears. 

“Get out.”

Dean’s head reeled.  He stared at the wall of feathers before him hiding Castiel from view, his hands twitching at his sides from the sheer pain of staying away from his angel when he knew he was hurt and needed held.  He was sure he had to have heard him wrong.

“Cas, what did you–”

“I said get out.”  Cas looked up at him suddenly, Dean choking in a sharp gasp of air.  Anger was painted all over his face, the eyes that normally lit up with love when they locked with his full of the fierce fire Dean only ever saw smoldering there during battles.  He didn’t move, unsure what to do.  “GET OUT!”

“What’s going on in here?”  Gabriel and Sam hurried into the room, both looking shocked.

“Dean?”  Sam asked quietly.  Dean crumpled at the sound of his brother’s voice, Sammy blinking back his surprise when his brother turned to him.  Tears were streaming down his face as he walked across the room and latched onto his brother, Sam’s tight grip on him practically the only thing keeping him upright.  “Jesus, what happened?”

“Get me out of here.  If he doesn’t want me here, I should leave.  Let’s just go, please.”  Dean said in a broken voice, his tone so hopeless Sam and Gabriel shot each other a panicked look over his head.  Gabriel nodded, a worried look on his face as he touched both brothers on the shoulder, transporting them back to their motel room.

As Sam let go of him, Dean fell to his knees on the carpet, his face buried in his hands. 


	4. Fair is Fair

Gabriel stood staring at the empty spot where the Winchesters had been standing long after he’d send them back to their motel room. 

He’d expected Castiel to send him away if he didn’t want him there, but the other angel had cocooned himself in his wings as soon as the hunter were gone and hadn’t come out since.  Every nerve in his body felt like it was on fire from wanting – needing, really – to reach out and comfort his little brother, but from the look of things that was the last thing Cas wanted right now.  Now he was somewhere in limbo, unsure if there was something he could say to make the situation better and unwilling to leave until he figured out what those magic words that could help his little brother might be.

Back at the motel, Sam was having an equally uneventful staring match with his older brother.  He’d let Dean cry himself out, perched awkwardly on the couch waiting for something to change.  He knew Dean well enough to know if he wanted Sammy to leave, he would have said so, but he didn’t seem to be able to form a coherent thought to tell his little brother what he wanted either.  He could tell there was something hanging in the air, something that needed said, but neither of them seemed aware of what I was or else weren’t brave enough to be the one to say it.  After Dean finally stopped crying, he’d let his little brother haul him to his feet and usher him to bed, not moving from the spot he was dumped until he finally fell asleep.   

Sam watched his brother flip over in his seat, his throat clenching uncomfortable when he saw Dean was still crying, even when unconscious. 

Unable to stomach the confusion another second he scrawled a quick note so his brother would know where he’d gone, locked the door, and ran outside to call Gabriel.

 

******

 

Crowley was in the middle of negotiations with a particularly unpleasant general of his Canadian demon division when one of his underlings burst in looking out of breath and smoldering slightly from where he’d been sliced with the demon blade.  It didn’t take much imagination to guess where he’d been.  Standing, he waved a hand at his general to silence him, swiftly hurrying over to where the injured demon has collapsed to his knees looking pained.  Kneeling down, he ran a hand over his wound, effectively closing it up.

“Catch your breath and tell me what’s going on.”  He said quietly, his general craning his neck to listen.  He could feel the smirk forming on the other demon’s face from here, clearly amused at the pretense that someone had invaded hell and was causing havoc.  Clearly, he liked the idea of seeing his commander being one-upped.  Annoyed, Crowley snapped his fingers.  Behind him the general slumped over, clearly dead from a snapped neck.  “Now, which of the denim-clad nightmares dropped in to visit?”

“That would be me.”

“Ah, Sam it is then.”  Grinning up at him Crowley stood, clapping his hands in amusement.  He’d have been lying if he’d said he hadn’t anticipated at least one of them popping down to get revenge for their favorite angel.  He was a bit thrown to see Gabriel glowering behind the moose, but that surprise didn’t show on his face as he smirked at the pair of them.  “I’ll be with you in one moment.  Just have to clear up the little matter of the dead asswipe drooling on my desk.”

“Go right ahead, we’ll wait.”  Gabriel said shortly, his eyes flashing fire when Crowley raised an eyebrow at him.

“Tell Tia she’s in charge of the Canadian division now, and to report to my office this time Wednesday to discuss battle tactics and how not to end up like her predecessor.  Oh, and throw the carcass to the dogs.  They deserve a fresh meatsuit.”  Crowley said in hushed tones, his nervous underling pulling out a PDA to take notes.  Once he’d rushed off, Crowley turned back to his unwanted guests.  “So, let’s get down to brass tacks shall we?  You’re here about what happened with Castiel, correct?”

“So he did make a deal with you then.  We assumed as much.”  Gabriel sighed, swearing under his breath when the demon shot him an amused look. 

“Ah, so the precious little angel hasn’t told you what he bartered with then.  Interesting, very interesting indeed.”  His grin was feral, Sam’s frown deepening as he felt the archangel bristle beside him in response to it.  “In that case, I assume you’re here for information?”

“Revenge also isn’t off the menu.”  Gabriel snapped, his hand tightening on the archangel blade hooked through the belt loop on his pants.  “What did you do to my brother?”

“Nothing he didn’t agree to, I assure you.”  Crowley grinned lewdly, laughing when Gabriel started towards him and had to be held back.  “It’s no use looking at me like I’m the wolf that ate Red Riding Hood’s grandma.  Business is business. He made a deal with me, and I made him pay off his debt.  He was fully aware of the parameters of his deal when he made it, and as soon as it was fulfilled I set him free.” 

“What did he offer you?”  Sam asked, his voice thick with anxiety. 

“Anything that was within his power to give me.”  Crowley said, his smile widening at the pained noise Gabriel let out.  “Now now, no need to get feisty, I asked for relatively little.  There were much worse things I could have requested, such as an archangel blade or to take his wings to use as a decoration over my mantle.  You know he would have done anything, even if it meant betraying heaven, just to keep his Righteous Man alive.” 

“Why didn’t you ask for something like that then, if you knew you could?”  Sam asked, dread coiling in the pit of his stomach.  From their past dealings with Crowley they knew he was just as devious and twice as clever as Lucifer had been, and had no trouble pulling punches when he knew he could.  Whatever he’d done must have been worse in some way than the things he decided against asking for.  

“Because, for once, I decided I wanted to have a little fun instead.  Everything’s always about work, so I decided this deal wouldn’t be.  After all, what’s the fun of running Hell if I don’t ever get the chance to enjoy myself?”  He grinned, pausing to let his words sink in.  He could see the slow look of comprehension dawning on the arch angel, the hunter’s look of dejection following close behind.  “We agreed on one night, no limits to what I could ask for or what I could do to his body, that was all.  I even cured Dean Winchester beforehand and let him go check to make sure I hadn’t been lying before we completed the transaction.  At dawn, I let your brother go and that was that.” 

“You son of –”

“He made a deal!”  Crowley snapped, his eyes flashing as Gabriel started towards him.  Sam grabbed the angel’s wrist, willing him to stand his ground.  “Don’t you dare think you have the right to come down here and demand revenge for something he agreed to fair and square.  He made the deal to save Dean, and then he paid his tab.  I’ve been fairly generous in not summoning every demon and hell hound I have to kill you for thinking you can just waltz in here like you own the place because of what your brother agreed to, but that ends now.  Get out of my sight before I change my mind and kill you myself.”

Gabriel gritted his teeth, clearly ready for a fight to the death, but Sam’s hand tightened on his wrist making him stay his ground.  As if remembering that Sammy was there, he turned to go, but as they left something caught his eye that made him choke out one last sob:

The feathers Castiel had let behind had been collected in a glass jar now sitting on Crowley’s mantle like a trophy.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up being a little short, but I've been very busy the past few weeks and didn't want anyone who reads this to have to wait forever for an update. Hopefully this will tide you over until I can really sit down and devote a bigger chunk of time to writing :)


	5. Chapter 5

The hair on the back of Dean’s neck, even slicked with sweat, we standing on end as he shifted awake.

Blinking blearily he sat up, a little unsure if he was really awake or still dreaming.  Looking at the loosely dressed angel sitting on the edge of his bed watching him with those bright blue eyes that had been the first time he’d noticed about him when he first showed up, he was pretty sure that he must be dreaming.  After all, only a few hours earlier Castiel had sent him packing.  Sitting up he was careful to keep his distance, his throat closing against the sudden rise of emotion he felt bubbling up as his stomach clenched. 

Even after all these years, sometimes all it took was a look for his angel to take his breath away. 

“I didn’t think you’d want to see me so soon.”  Dean said, wincing at how shaky his voice sounded.  Cas shifted uncomfortably, twisting his fingers in the hem of his shirt, his wings – still damp and freshly groomed – twitching behind him. 

“I’m sorry about the way I reacted towards you.”  Hanging his head he ran a hand through his hair, clearly embarrassed.  Dean moved forward, gently taking ahold of the angel’s hand. 

“You don’t need to do that Cas.  You don’t have to lie to me.”  He said slowly, grinning sadly at the bewildered angel.  “Look, terrible shit happened to you, and you have every right to react the way you did.  I have no idea what will set you off right now since I have no idea what happened to you, and even though I didn’t expect you to get that defensive, you had every right to do it.  So, don’t apologize to me.  You never have to justify your actions when you’re upset, least of all to me.” 

“I…”  Cas stopped short, shaking his head.  Opening his arms Dean sat perfectly still, the angel shaking slightly as he climbed into the hunter’s lap, careful to keep his wings tightly tucked against his back.  “Thank you.  You’re being really wonderful about this.”

“It’s no less than you deserve.  I just wish I could do more to help.”  Dean sighed, kissing the angel’s forehead.  Cas smiling softly, his wings fluttering towards the hand resting on his hip to steady him.  “If you don’t want anyone touching your wings, why not dematerialize them?”

“I can’t.”  Cas looked up and met his eyes, tears clinging to his eyelashes and dusting his cheeks.  “They hurt so much right now, it’s nearly unbearable to put them away.  At least if they’re out, they don’t feel as sore.”

“Alright, I’ll just have to take special care not to touch them for a while then.”  Dean said, brushing away the tears with the back of her hand.  “There’ll be bumps along the way, but we’ll handle this like we handled the apocalypse: together.  I know it it’ll be hard, but for you, I can do anything.” 

Cas didn’t respond, burying his face in the hunter’s neck letting out a watery laugh.  His hands shook as they clutched at the back of Dean’s shirt pulling him closer.  For a moment, things felt normal.  For a moment, it was like nothing was wrong. 

Sam started talking before the rush of wings heralding his arrival had died away. 

“Dean, we know what happened.  Crowley made Cas… oh.”  He stopped short, his face blossoming red.  Dean’s eyes flicked between everyone’s faces, drinking in every detail he could.  Gabriel seemed unable to meet his brother’s eyes.  Sam was keeping his hand in the archangel’s for a change instead of pulling away the first chance he go, their fingers linked together conspiratorially.  Cas shifted uncomfortably in his lap, clearly uncomfortable. 

“I guess… that means I need to tell you.”  Cas said, his voice coming out choked with emotion.

“No.”  Dean shook his head, his arms tightening slightly around the angel’s waist.  Looking up he glared at his brother and Gabriel, both of who looked away sheepishly.  “Just because they went over your head to find out what happened, that doesn’t mean you have to tell me.  I told you, I don’t need to know until you’re ready.”

“How can I expect myself to heal, or expect you to help me with it like you say you will, if you have no idea what I even went through?  I know I need to tell you… and now is as good a time as any.”    

 

******

 

“How do you think their talk is going?” 

“No idea.”  Sam sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as he settled down on Gabriel’s white overstuffed couch.  He thanked the archangel for the tumbler of cognac he pressed into his hands, taking a sizeable gulp before looking up as he sat down across from him on the coffee table.  “As well as can be expected, I can imagine.”

“It must be rough.  I do not envy my brother or Dean right now, that’s for sure.”  The archangel looked at the floor, swirling his drink halfheartedly.  Taking a deep breath he looked back up at the hunter across from him, a bitter smile curling the edges of his mouth upwards.  “I mean, I can only imagine how shitty I’d feel if I found out that you… that someone had done someone that huge to save my life.”

Sam smiled ruefully, letting Gabriel’s slip up go by uncommented.

 

******

 

“And… as soon as it was dawn he let me go.  I flew to Gabriel’s place practically on autopilot, and passed out.”  Castiel sighed, his fingers clamping down even tighter around Dean’s than they already were. 

“I can’t believe you’d do all that, just to save me.”  Dean said softly, Cas wincing at his tone.  It was full of the same self-loathing Dean had been clinging to the first time that they met when he’d unabashedly told Castiel he wasn’t worth saving, especially by God.  “I never would have asked you to do that for me, you know that right?  I would have told you to let me die.”

“I know.  That’s why I didn’t consult you before I went to Crowley.”  Letting go of his hands, the angel reached up to caress the hunter’s face, his smile reaching his eyes for the first time since their lives had been thrown into utter disrepair.  “I would have done anything, given everything he asked, and all to save you.”

“I’m not worth you, or your faith in me.”  He muttered, closing his eyes at the disgruntled huff Castiel let out in response.  “I’m so scared I’ll never live up to this… this perfect vision of me that you’ve got in your head that you think is worth risking everything for.  That’s not who I am Cas, and it’s not someone I can ever be.  I’m not as good as you seem to think I am.” 

“I know you, Dean Winchester.  I always have, right from the beginning.”  Castiel kissed both of his closed eyelids before pressing their lips together, his hands steady for a change as they gripped the hunter’s face forcing him to look into his eyes.  Dean swallowed, unable to think of anything to say while staring into such pure love and conviction as they kind he saw shimmering in the depths of the angel’s bright blue eyes starting unflinching back at him.  “I love you and all your flaws, even the fatal ones.  I love you just as you are, and not as some ideal that I think you can achieve later on.  I love you, even when you don’t love yourself.  I love you in a way that makes you the most precious thing in my world, and because of that I would do anything and risk everything to save you.  Never tell me you aren’t worth my actions, because that would mean you aren’t worth loving, and that will never be true.”

The hunter nodded, unable to think of anything to say for a change. 

As Castiel leaned forward to press their foreheads together, his wings cocooning around both of them, Dean couldn’t help but feel he was the luckiest bastard on the planet for finding anyone – or any angel – to love him as much as Castiel did. 

“This isn’t going to be easy, you know.”  Dean sighed as they pulled apart, Castiel’s cheeks tinged pink.  Instinctively he reached out to caress the black wings around them, biting the edge of his lip when they jerked away almost instantly.  “You’re going to have bad days, and even worse triggers.  But, no matter how hard it gets, I’ll be here to do whatever you need me to, alright?”

“I know.  That’s what makes you worth every sacrifice I could ever make.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's no way to end this story perfectly, especially given the subject matter. PTSD (at least from personal experience dealing with it in myself and someone I'm very close to) is an uphill battle at times. It's a process, one that can last a lifetime. 
> 
> It didn't feel right to end this story with everyone being perfectly normal and blissfully happy, so I ended on the highest note I thought was realistic: being together, knowing what that means, and looking forward towards being okay and being ready to tackle anything that comes up as a team.


End file.
